Growing Up Okay

I think young people get a bad rap these days...being viewed sometimes as immature, irresponsible and just plain angry. 


But did you know that it is more difficult than ever for them to choose well, as they live in a world where everything seems relative? 


Did you know that they struggle to find a way to belong and feel safe in a world that is often afraid of intimacy?


Think about it, they are supposed to be immature. They are still growing up! 

• They are sometimes irresponsible because they have not yet developed the tools to know how to respond ...to a sometimes unfriendly world...even if that is only their own perception. 

  
  

  ...They are angry because they are like sponges, soaking up the energy around them and often being judged or criticized for the mirror they represent.

  
  

  An important part of what I teach reflects the different ways that young and old alike armour themselves in order to feel safe in our world - and offer a way for parents and other image-makers to be aware of who is most at risk.  

  
  

  Kudos to those who are not afraid to see behind the curtain and step in to save a life ...Kudos to the Vice Principal who opened his heart to make a difference!  You know who you are.

  
  Today...when you meet a young person on your journey...embrace their freedom of self-expression...do a random act of kindness...give them something to believe in...or better still...give them something that will allow them to believe in themselves.
  
  After all, they are our future...and we are theirs.
  
  To all the young people out there who are struggling, depressed or even contemplating ending it all...WE LOVE YOU AND WE BELIEVE IN YOU.
  
  Together we can make a better day...

Completions

Much has been written about the different phases of love and the tragic unravelling of an otherwise great romance.

All relationships take on a life of their own and are subject to the same cycles of death and new beginnings as every other living thing, yet one of our greatest fears can be the unknown spaces inside these cycles of change.

The truth is - a surprisingly low percentage of the population ends up growing old together inside the undying love that first sparked their journey. In fact, the ideal is a rare and courageous feat in which both partners are willing and able to co-create something new as their relationship evolves.

Typically, we get into relationships for many reasons and sometimes choose people that reflect who we are through only one phase of our lives. Once the phase has passed, we may come to outgrow our partner as we change and grow in a different direction.

At the natural end of our relationship and in moments of clarity, we will feel the truth of that ending in our belly.

Once the reason we came together has been fulfilled, we may then be faced with the awareness that our partner may not agree or feel the same sense of fullfulment or completion.
They may, in fact, continue to feel a sense of "unfinished business" until they are able to make peace with our choices. This can sometimes be the most difficult part of a break-up.

Most endings come with a period of grieving and separation, and with it, inevitably come feelings of anger, blame and negotiation. We cannot spare ourselves or our partner this process.

A healthy completion at the end of a relationship is one in which at least one partner understands the space and process needed to move toward a new beginning.

It is important to remember that there is a gift inside of even the most challenging relationships. Our awareness of that gift is what we will want to take away with us in the end.

Help!! I think I am the target
of Office Politics!!



Creating a healthy environment out of a toxic workplace can be tricky. However, there are a few important steps you can take to, at least, get out of the line of fire.

Remember that politics are all about alliances. Who have you aligned yourself with and what is their relationship with the “powers that be”? Have you been found guilty by association?

There’s no need to ditch your friends. Ensuring that your skills are seen by those who make important decisions about your career may shift things in your favour.

Have you aligned yourself with the organization? In many cases, upper management has dedicated a significant part of their life to the organization, in order to get where they are.

Find something to get excited about at work that shows your dedication. You don’t need to die for the cause, but showing that you are not just there to collect a paycheque may help to soften their perceptions of you.

Be aware that, sometimes, things are not as they seem. Is it possible that you are not being targeted by upper management? There may be someone else in your organization who does not have your best interests at heart and who is “seeding” the negative perception that you are a problem.

If you know of someone like this, you may choose to clear the air with them or bring your concerns to someone higher up that you know you can trust.

Be careful with this one or it could blow up in your face. It will be important to be sure that they are sabotaging in some way before you confront them. Remember that they are not your enemy. Their actions have more to do with their own fears than anything you are doing.

Is it possible that you have dropped the ball in some way? Make no mistake about it…there is something to be said for making amends. If you have dropped the ball, go back and clean it up.

Finally, don’t give them anything to criticize. TMI (too much information) is one of the surest ways to invite politics. Be selective in who you share your personal aspirations and successes with or you may invite the attention of someone who wants to “take you down a notch”.

Let some time pass under the radar and you will soon find that they have forgotten all about you.

Feeling Stuck?

I’m feeling ‘stuck’ in my life and can’t find a way to get moving. How can coaching help me?

What we are really talking about here is intrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation does not depend on external factors to keep us moving. We keep moving in life because the direction we are moving in (and the experiences we are having) are meaningful and often new to us. They feed our life and give us energy.

We become stuck when we have attached ourselves to people, circumstances, material possessions, or even ideas in such a way that we ignore the right timing and direction of our own natural movement. We are stuck when we have done this long enough for us to reach the point of complacency - or learned helplessness - and begin to rationalize or justify our choice to stay stuck.

At this point we may perceive that we can’t (or sometimes don’t want to) choose differently, as it has been so long since we have felt the intrinsic rewards of autonomous movement.
In a word - we “settle” because we no longer know the difference.

The resulting lack of motivation is really just a level of energy that is much lower than it could be.

As small children, we are experts on intrinsic motivation because we are so focused on what brings us pleasure. This is why children have so much energy!

By the time we have become adults, many of us have lost this sense of wonder and natural ability to seek out what feeds us. Instead, we seek to avoid pain.

Given a choice, most adults will choose the least painful option, whereas very young children will go directly to the choice that pleases them.

When was the last time you did something that created that same childlike “rush” throughout your body? This truly is the key that will keep us moving.

Of course, we can see how difficult it may be to make changes on our own if we are feeling unmotivated. Inside our box of fears and perceptions, we might change our mind about being stuck, while our body continues to react autonomically in ways that seem to work against us. Some of us may feel “power-less to create change”.

Sometimes “fresh eyes”, a different perspective, or having the guidance and support of a Personal Coach can make all the difference!

Authenticity

Authenticity is sometimes a slippery word that begs the question - who are we, really? Why is it that we resonate so deeply with very few people and wear the mask of impression with others?

Really, who are we?

We ask this as if it were some destination that we could reach by going backward or forward in time. Is that all we are? A mere snapshot in time that forces our conformity through the threat of being 'seen' as lacking in integrity, stability, maturity or substance?

Authenticity is freedom in its truest sense - freedom to change who we said we were last week; freedom to experience moments of doubt or even the existential angst that sometimes threatens our stability; freedom to revisit and feed our inner child (yes, even in the midst of clients and other professionals); and freedom to let go of some of the woundings that constitute that heavy and often opaque reality our fathers called substance.

The inner workings of this kind of authentic freedom was so deeply illustrated in "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. During his stay in a prisoner of war camp, Viktor discovered the one thing that could not be taken from us was "meaning". Athough he could not change his outward circumstances, his participation in them was painted with the meaning that he freely chose.

It, 'authenticity', is about creating our own comprehensive meaning in life - and I'll even go a step beyond to suggest that it is also trusting ourselves to attract beings of like mind (or at least the mirrors necessary to get out of our own way).

Look around you. Who among you do you hide from - within the roles they have given you or the roles that you have dressed in voluntarily? Who among you inspires your courage to smile when you feel joy, roar when you are angry, or weep when you are in pain?

Does living an authentic life come at a cost? You bet! The cost of Authenticity is not being all things to all people. It is trading quality for quantity in our relationships and it demands our diligent awareness in those moments when we are losing energy. It is about trading pain for pleasure, so we can gain both wisdom and youth.

Authenticity in our world takes a large dose of courage, after all, and a fair bit of cunning in the light (a teacher's energy) - infinitely rewarding but not for the faint of heart.

Meeting Resistance

I have often heard that success follows the path of least resistance. For some of us, this can be a confusing proposition during times when we are confronted with the challenges and pitfalls of personal growth.

Perhaps the most misleading part of that concept is the idea that, if we are on the right path, we should not meet with resistance.

Along my journey, I have learned to take in the teachings of Grandmother earth and I have seen that there is little outside of ourselves that is insurmountable. In fact, even the flower can meet with the resistance of a rock in order to bloom. What is often the insurmountable piece is the story of our own inner resistance...projected outward.

We have all met with our resistance at one point or another in life. Some of the time we have pushed forward with determination. Yet, all too often, we spin a tale of defeat as we shrink back into our lives with the notion that the life we truly want is intangible.

The truth is, our resistance is the catalyst for growth. It is our inner barometer, warning us of the storm that will come to clear our way. It is what allows us to push our envelope...to become more than we thought we could be.

More often than not, the tales we spin are the only resistance we face and we are all great writers, indeed!

Think about it. What are the dreams you have given up on in life? Where have the winds of time carried to you the truth of what lies before you, leading you to twist and turn with resistance to the very things you were seeking?

Meeting our resistance is a matter of looking into that mirror of self reflection and meeting our own energy. Throughout history, we have learned that there is nothing outside of ourselves to stop us.

Teachers are all around us, in nature and in each other. The fact that you are reading this means that your path has offered you a means to overcome what blocks your way.

Now is the time to close your eyes, see the ripeness of your sacred dream and to take a step forward. Look beyond the rocks to what it is you are seeking. Can you see it? That is the path of least resistance.

Passion as Wealth

My father changed jobs twice in more than 30 years. His father was a carpenter throughout his life and defined himself as provider to his family within that role. That's how it was in their day...what a long way we have traveled in our orientation to work since then.

Today, an adult can expect to change jobs more than five times in their lifetime. This is a daunting number if we consider the edge my father must have walked during the few occasions that time demanded change.

In my father's time, people asked, "what are you?" In his day, you were a doctor, a labourer... a teacher... defined by the role you took on at work. More importantly, your purpose for working was to provide for your family. Work was sustenance... and often, nothing more. If you did not succeed at work, you may have felt that you failed as a provider and faced the trauma of an existential crisis.

The challenge in our transition from his time to ours is to redefine ourselves in light of a rapidly changing economy. The question is...


Who are we in relation to our work?

If it no longer serves us well to adopt the role we play within our chosen occupation... perhaps it's time to align our career choices with our self-growth and development... instead of the other way around. In other words, not only can we choose our careers according to our individual values, we now have the freedom to feed our spirit through our work!

The gift within the challenge is...
Passion is Wealth!
You will always make more money following your passion!

Consider this simple exercise: If you never had to make another dollar in your life, what would you spend your time doing? Make your list (and don't let your internal dialogue limit your choices). This list represents the many ways you would choose to feed your spirit if you had the opportunity.

The good news is... we live in a time when we create our opportunities. Take your list and turn it on its side. Under each heading, make a new list of the variety of ways a person can make money doing each activity.

For example, if I love to spend my time traveling, I might consider that a person can travel and write about their experiences or create photographs for travel books. They might choose to teach English in foreign countries and learn about other cultures in the process. They may decide to join the army or apply for work with a company that requires them to travel. How many more options can you think of? The point is, if you are not feeding your spirit through your work, you're starving it... no wonder you push the snooze button in the morning!

Now, before we all go out and quit our jobs in favor of traveling the world, it is important to consider what (in our current career path) feeds our spirit and what starves us. What causes you stress and what brings you pleasure?

It may simply be that your intending in your current occupation has fallen out of alignment with your job description. What do you have the power to change and what is beyond your control? The key here is not to find the perfect job, but to build a career that feeds your spirit enough to ride the waves of chaos when you must.

Exploring the answers to these questions will give you the clarity you are seeking when deciding whether to make a change within your chosen career... or whether to "become" something or someone entirely different.

Either way, perhaps it's time... to put your spirit to work!