Completions

Much has been written about the different phases of love and the tragic unravelling of an otherwise great romance.

All relationships take on a life of their own and are subject to the same cycles of death and new beginnings as every other living thing, yet one of our greatest fears can be the unknown spaces inside these cycles of change.

The truth is - a surprisingly low percentage of the population ends up growing old together inside the undying love that first sparked their journey. In fact, the ideal is a rare and courageous feat in which both partners are willing and able to co-create something new as their relationship evolves.

Typically, we get into relationships for many reasons and sometimes choose people that reflect who we are through only one phase of our lives. Once the phase has passed, we may come to outgrow our partner as we change and grow in a different direction.

At the natural end of our relationship and in moments of clarity, we will feel the truth of that ending in our belly.

Once the reason we came together has been fulfilled, we may then be faced with the awareness that our partner may not agree or feel the same sense of fullfulment or completion.
They may, in fact, continue to feel a sense of "unfinished business" until they are able to make peace with our choices. This can sometimes be the most difficult part of a break-up.

Most endings come with a period of grieving and separation, and with it, inevitably come feelings of anger, blame and negotiation. We cannot spare ourselves or our partner this process.

A healthy completion at the end of a relationship is one in which at least one partner understands the space and process needed to move toward a new beginning.

It is important to remember that there is a gift inside of even the most challenging relationships. Our awareness of that gift is what we will want to take away with us in the end.

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Close to three percent of marriages end within three years (according to Statistics Canada). What does that look like in real numbers? Well, more than 75,000 couples divorced in Canada in 2006, despite having said, “Until death do us part”! So, why get married?

While scientists report that married men tend to live longer than their single friends, historically, the preference for a secure, monogamous relationship has been attributed to women. Men, on the other hand, have often argued that they are biologically predisposed to spread their seed to the many.

As a human, I am as afraid of commitment as anyone else on this planet. Yet, underlying these varied perspectives is an energetic pull to shift something…to promote a paradigm that can hold the space for honest engagement between the sexes. The question is…for this to occur within our “institution” of marriage, what needs to change?

1. Acceptance of our differences as men and women is a good place to start. This is to say that each person has his or her own unique ratio of masculine (or active/doing) energy and feminine (or receptive/nurturing) energy. More importantly, this ratio is constantly changing! So, to assume that all women hope for marriage and all men want to stay single is to dishonor both sexes. Can we shift out of the masculine/feminine projected archetypes and see the “humanness” of each other?

2. Flexibility in our beliefs about what we need for ourselves and from our partners offers us the fluidity in relationship that is needed to bend a little in the winds of change. When we make the choice to live the rest of our lives together and speak our vows in marriage, how aware are we that our life together will be a fluid dance between autonomy and intimacy? Can we revisit and renegotiate our agreements with each other in relationship when change demands it? How willing are we to live that truth in our commitment to each other, even if it means letting go?

3. Clarity about what we need for our own unique spirit to grow will keep us from the bonds of attachment that make us give our power away. In the more difficult moments, are we willing to ask, “Whose stuff is this?” Are we able to walk our own journey? Do we have the clarity to sustain our individuality within relationship?

4. Courage to speak our truth with bottom-line emotional honesty ensures that we always have the best chance of understanding each other and being heard. Without it, we risk losing ourselves in the truth of another. Are we able to look deep within and first be honest with ourselves…about our weaknesses and our strengths? Then, do we have the courage to speak the unspeakable when the energy needs to shift, even if it means risking everything?

5. Maturity to have worked out and worked out again our bottom-line principles. If we know in advance what we will stick around for and what will surely make us leave, we are in a better position to create honest vows that we are willing and able to keep. Do we have the maturity to acknowledge that we never stop learning and do we know that our values and principles are excellent guidelines, but are not written in stone? Do we have the grace to shift in the face of challenge, when doing so will allow us not only to grow together, but also to grow on our own?

6. Playing with each other in the difficult moments allows us to break the energy of seriousness. Do we have the wisdom to laugh at ourselves…to not take ourselves or life too seriously when the energy threatens to break us apart?

We have come a long way from our naivety…believing that somehow love conquers all. This is not the same world and those who are willing to make an honest commitment to each other are more compelled to seek a clear understanding of what it is that they are signing up for. “What does it mean to speak these vows?”

Simply put, life is change. Every ending is a new beginning. This is the way of transformation and all we can ever really commit to honestly is…to hold the space for each other to grow…and to speak our truth when holding that space goes beyond where we are in our own evolution. Marriage, in this sense, is certainly a commitment to step into the unknown together and play in that energy as long as we can. It is also about loving ourselves and each other enough to speak from our heart, heal together, walk our own path and even step aside, when it is necessary, to support each other’s dream (a beautiful and challenging journey). May you have the courage and wisdom to see what is needed along your journey together and the strength to bend a little in the winds of change.

An Open Heart

I always end up in relationships that are going nowhere. Why is there no one out there for me!

You’re not alone. This is, perhaps, the most commonly asked question among those who have yet to find that special someone. You might begin by asking yourself these important questions:

What are you looking for?
Most people have no idea what they are looking for and, therefore, unintentionally end up in the same co-dependent patterns that haven’t worked for them in the past. Our prototype for relationship comes mostly from our primary image-makers (the mother/father figures in our lives). The more consciously aware we are of the patterns contained within that prototype and what does or doesn’t work for us, the more we are able to create co-empowered relationships.

The tell-tale sign of a co-dependent relationship is “need”. The more comfortable you are in your own skin, the less you need someone else to “complete” you or reinforce what you already believe.

Look at the common thread in all of your past relationships. What co-dependent patterns were continually reinforced? Where did those patterns originate? What needs to change?

What do you believe?
Let’s take a look at the statement, “There is no one out there for me.” This belief could be your greatest barrier. These are the words of someone who has stopped seeing opportunities to connect.

Our thoughts and beliefs are powerful tools that are used either consciously or unintentionally to create our present circumstances. If we believe that there is no suitable partner for us, we will see all opportunities for connection through the filter of judgment and create a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Fear-based beliefs create closed symbols that stop us from living life and actually limit our choices. In this case, connecting to others on an intimate level may have become a closed symbol for you. Tell yourself the truth about what you believe. You have not met everyone and, therefore, it is not possible to honestly say that there is no one out there for you.

We all hold some beliefs that are fear-based. Your belief may be acting as a buffer, protecting you from the possibility of feeling pain. This buffer also protects you from feeling love and finding what you’re looking for.

To open this closed symbol, it is necessary to risk opening your heart and feeling fully.

For more information on how to create healthy relationships, contact Leia Gamache at WhiteFire Coaching at 403.875.7594.