Close to three percent of marriages end within three years (according to Statistics Canada). What does that look like in real numbers? Well, more than 75,000 couples divorced in Canada in 2006, despite having said, “Until death do us part”! So, why get married?
While scientists report that married men tend to live longer than their single friends, historically, the preference for a secure, monogamous relationship has been attributed to women. Men, on the other hand, have often argued that they are biologically predisposed to spread their seed to the many.
As a human, I am as afraid of commitment as anyone else on this planet. Yet, underlying these varied perspectives is an energetic pull to shift something…to promote a paradigm that can hold the space for honest engagement between the sexes. The question is…for this to occur within our “institution” of marriage, what needs to change?
1. Acceptance of our differences as men and women is a good place to start. This is to say that each person has his or her own unique ratio of masculine (or active/doing) energy and feminine (or receptive/nurturing) energy. More importantly, this ratio is constantly changing! So, to assume that all women hope for marriage and all men want to stay single is to dishonor both sexes. Can we shift out of the masculine/feminine projected archetypes and see the “humanness” of each other?
2. Flexibility in our beliefs about what we need for ourselves and from our partners offers us the fluidity in relationship that is needed to bend a little in the winds of change. When we make the choice to live the rest of our lives together and speak our vows in marriage, how aware are we that our life together will be a fluid dance between autonomy and intimacy? Can we revisit and renegotiate our agreements with each other in relationship when change demands it? How willing are we to live that truth in our commitment to each other, even if it means letting go?
3. Clarity about what we need for our own unique spirit to grow will keep us from the bonds of attachment that make us give our power away. In the more difficult moments, are we willing to ask, “Whose stuff is this?” Are we able to walk our own journey? Do we have the clarity to sustain our individuality within relationship?
4. Courage to speak our truth with bottom-line emotional honesty ensures that we always have the best chance of understanding each other and being heard. Without it, we risk losing ourselves in the truth of another. Are we able to look deep within and first be honest with ourselves…about our weaknesses and our strengths? Then, do we have the courage to speak the unspeakable when the energy needs to shift, even if it means risking everything?
5. Maturity to have worked out and worked out again our bottom-line principles. If we know in advance what we will stick around for and what will surely make us leave, we are in a better position to create honest vows that we are willing and able to keep. Do we have the maturity to acknowledge that we never stop learning and do we know that our values and principles are excellent guidelines, but are not written in stone? Do we have the grace to shift in the face of challenge, when doing so will allow us not only to grow together, but also to grow on our own?
6. Playing with each other in the difficult moments allows us to break the energy of seriousness. Do we have the wisdom to laugh at ourselves…to not take ourselves or life too seriously when the energy threatens to break us apart?
We have come a long way from our naivety…believing that somehow love conquers all. This is not the same world and those who are willing to make an honest commitment to each other are more compelled to seek a clear understanding of what it is that they are signing up for. “What does it mean to speak these vows?”
Simply put, life is change. Every ending is a new beginning. This is the way of transformation and all we can ever really commit to honestly is…to hold the space for each other to grow…and to speak our truth when holding that space goes beyond where we are in our own evolution. Marriage, in this sense, is certainly a commitment to step into the unknown together and play in that energy as long as we can. It is also about loving ourselves and each other enough to speak from our heart, heal together, walk our own path and even step aside, when it is necessary, to support each other’s dream (a beautiful and challenging journey). May you have the courage and wisdom to see what is needed along your journey together and the strength to bend a little in the winds of change.
